Since 9/11 the United States Government has created two completely unnecessary agencies, the creepily named Department of Homeland Security and the 4th Amendment violating Transportation "Security" Administration.
I just returned from a business trip and after this one the absurdity of what the TSA puts the travelling public through had to be shared.
As difficult as it will be to believe what you are about to read, please know it is 100% true and I have taken no poetic license nor have I exaggerated the situation. There is no need because it truly is its own theater of the absurd. This is this weary traveler's experience, it may sound familiar but we must all speak out against this violation of our civil liberties.
Last April I was in a motorcycle accident. While stopped at a stop sign I was rear-ended by a tractor trailer. It has been a long, painful road to recovery and I recently had surgery performed on my knee. I am still recovering from the surgery and require crutches to move about. The airline arranged to have wheelchairs waiting for me at each leg of my journey.
Ok, not to digress, but if you have never flown Virgin then you really need to. They are the greatest airline ever and I never want to fly with anyone else ever.
A very nice TSA employee got me settled in the wheelchair, helped me with my bags and got me up to the checkpoint. His professionalism, helpfulness and courtesy was wonderful and I gave him a tip to thank him for all the help he gave me.
Oh yeah, one more point about the TSA. Every TSA employee I have ever had to deal with have been friendly, professional, helpful, caring and all around nice people just like you and me. I have no problem at all with the TSA employees. It's the Administration itself and it's draconian procedures that I take issue with.
This nice gentleman takes my bags and my crutches and stuff and lugs them over to be X-Rayed while I am left alone in my chair waiting for the next female TSA agent to pat me down. I won't go into details but the new enhanced pat-down was so offensive and disturbing that a closed my eyes tightly as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. American citizens should not be subjected to this tyranny on our own soil. This is just wrong. However, that is not even where the absurdity of the TSA procedures begins in my tale of woe. It begins now...
Following my "Gate Rape" the TSA employee wiped her hands all over a paper filter to capture any residue accumulated while she molested me. Obviously, it was clear. She then returned to me with a fresh pad and informed me that she had to now do the wheelchair. I reminded her that it was the TSA's chair. She told me to just let her do her job so I sighed and just sat there as she wiped every inch of the wheelchair with the filter and touched me intimately on three occasions as she wiped the wheelchair's seat.
She walked back to the machine with the pad and I asked, "What if you find something on your chair? Will I be blamed for it and arrested because a substance was found on your chair?" She looked at me and said nothing. The look on her face was one of, you make perfect sense and I can't figure out the purpose of this but I have to do it. Given the dejected look on her face I just sat there and shut up. When she told me the obvious, that it was clear, I said, "Thank you."
I thought that leg of my journey was as silly as it could possibly get but yesterday I learned just how wrong I would be as the absurdity reached a new height.
On my journey home yesterday I was again assisted by a lovely, friendly TSA employee to the check-point and, after my horrible experience with "Gate Rape"' I decided it was better to potentially do damage to my knee than deal with the "enhanced pat-down." My crutches went through the X-Ray and a very nice, handsome, TSA employee waited on the other side of the metal detector with them. I stood up, putting my weight on my good leg. He reached out and with love and support helped me hop through the metal detector and then handed me my crutches on the other side.
Like I said earlier, it's not the TSA employees but the entire purpose of the TSA's existence that I take issue with.
Things happened without issue, but here is where the absurdity starts. My carry on luggage is X-Rayed and things as innocent as nail clippers are confiscated. Given the number of nail clippers I have lost to the airlines I now pack them in my checked luggage.
I upgraded to First Glass for the trip home. Once we are eight miles above ground and cruising along the beautiful and friendly stewardess with the awesome name of Rebecca came around to take our drink orders and let us know what was on the menu this evening.
As this is First Class, my Chardonnay was served to me in a glass wine glass. My dinner was served to me on a tray with china plates and I ate my food with real silverware. Real silverware including a knife!
Nail clippers? BAD!
8" Stainless Steel Blade? GOOD!
Apparently it has been determined that terrorists only fly coach.
So, after reading this very true story, what purpose does the TSA serve? Can you think of one because it's not about Security.
